The Almost

The candle has three wicks, but only one catches the fire. It doesn't shine bright, but it burns slow. It only reaches one third of its potential, but it is far from anything but beautiful. It keeps me warm.

Why Aren't You Scared?

But what if I deserve this. Oh I'm sorry, to answer your question, maybe it's because I think I deserve this. Maybe I accept this punishment.

Addict

If you want, I'll go. But my heart, can't leave where it made a home. It'll stay loving you, you just won't know.

I Thought They Were the Same

Why is it that each day I get closer to my dream, I get further from you?

Don't say it's just a phase when you look at me that way.

Pessimism in Optimism

It has taken a long time, and maybe I am delusional about it, but I am me and it's not the worst thing to be.

 I can finally say I'm alright. I know there is a better version of me to become and I'll work on it, but you shouldn't be in love with the hope of me becoming that version. You should love the version of me now, and the bad versions;

 the version that sometimes is too tired and depressed to get up and throw away old coffee cups,

 the version that forgets that there is a world outside of my conflicting mind,

 the version I used to be three years ago when I found solace in anything with a sharp edge,

 the version that would rather let people take advantage of my kindness then restrain it.

 You should love it all and with that love

 I'll become that better version

 inevitably.

Troubled Waters

Why is it that when something sad and unfortunate happens, we let it linger in our blood and sulk in its depths? We drown in the sadness we created and are lucky if we find enough strength to swim up for just one gasp of air.
But when something great happens, we grab it like a seashell and then throw it back in the ocean in hopes of one with less cracks or bigger size, waiting to see what some other wave can give us. Never holding on to what once made us happy and stuck wondering what we did to deserve such misfortune.

A Loss

If you won't fall in love with the way I smile when you say my name, with my eyes when they are looking at you, with my body when it is reacting to yours, with my soul when I'm talking about you, then you don't truly love yourself. 

Simple Math

I am not worried if one day our hearts decide to explore. There is no other you, there is no other me. Why would I be afraid of what is meant to be?

Please come back soon

I gave you my heart, I can feel its struggling beat.

I am not alone.
Even when no one is near
and I am on the floor
with temptation
drowning my veins,
I feel you there.
When you are not here,
you are everywhere.

I'll never know what made you smile yesterday.
I'll never understand where your fears rooted from, and who kept them watered all these years.
I'll never see what you looked like at age seventeen and how you treated that one girl who was nervous.
I'll never be able to hold you the first time you cried, to tell you that it will be alright and then be there to watch time make it alright.
I'll never feel the scruff of your facial hair against my skin during that phase you had.
I'll never memorize the look on your face when your favorite team won that game you still talk about today.
Even though it is all in the past, and it is all gone, it all added up to the man I love now.
And I'll never know.

Home

As she looks at a picture of his face and she knows who she is, who she was, and who she is going to be. His skin is home to hers. His kiss is real to her because her heart has dreamt it endlessly. She woke up one day knowing each curve at the end of his smile, the contradicting look in his eyes to the expression on his face, the love poured out in every word he has ever said. She knows him, and in knowing him, she is at peace with herself.

I deal with my emotions I allow myself to feel them, every drip, every ounce of feeling. Every tear blurring my vision, every chest ache, every breath hard to breathe, every crash to the bathroom floor, I let it take me away. I do not send my emotions out to the world, expecting to receive comfort, relief. I feel them. I feel them hard. But sometimes, I send them to you. You send them back. And I do not know how to feel about that, about you, about us. Pain is easy, not knowing is a feeling I cannot feel.

Deluded

If I could find the breath to say
The words that would make you stay
They would almost always be
"Don't give up on me"

Despite what I say
I know you still will go
For as long as I am I
Your love will not grow

Sunset

How could something so tragic be so beautiful?

You Destroyed my unmade memories.

My hope stood strong.

You Stole my almost happiness.

I took it back.

You Killed my chance.

You will never kill my dream.

Simply Put

I crave to be loved by you and it kills me I can't make you.

Drowning

I could change the waves of the ocean and shatter every grim shell in its depths,
I could try to turn the ocean into a lake, maybe a pretty pond
I would fight each rip current that tries to take me back
But I cannot swim away from the truth.

Those Lips.

I could

draw

paint

create

a hundred

pictures 

of 

those lips

But it

won't look like 

those lips.

I could 

think

write

rhyme

a thousand

words

about

those lips

But it 

won't describe 

my love

of 

those lips

I could 

dream

wish 

imagine

miss

those lips

but they still

won't be any closer

to

my lips.

Soon

Time has this incredible ability to sped by and drag on concurrently. I would trade months worth of happy moments for a single memory of you.

Why didn't anyone tell me not to love too much? Why didn't anyone tell me it would always hurt this much?

The Good The Bad

People serve you as a break you didn't deserve. 

People serve as a reason you break that you didn't deserve. 

Sometimes is good most times

Sometimes the hunger blurs the lines of other desires, unattainable, unreachable, unfeedable desires.

Sometimes a pinch focuses your attention on a different pain, an alive, breathing, throbbing pain.

Sometimes a dark room welcomes you and tells you that you are better off unseen, cold, alone.

Sometimes sleeping gives you temporary dementia and reminds you it could be forever, just don't wake up.

Out

Is it so wrong to just want to surrender all I have, give it all up, and never look back.
Is that so hard to believe, that existing can be more of a heartache then living.
I never really minded what people thought anyway.
You will feel my goodbye in your bones.

wondering why I

can't feel love

never knowing it

was possible to

give too much

giving more than

I can possibly get back

And now that it's on paper 

I see the problem

I give and expect 

something back

But is that so wrong

Am I sinner for that

condemned to hell?

Am I not allowed to feel 

sad for loving without

feeling that love 

back.

All We Want

Our heads will hit the pillows and our bodies will quiver with the passing breeze from the leafless trees while our minds drift a hundred different directions, searching, craving to be put at ease if we just knew that somewhere, we were a thought that put someone to sleep with a smile graced upon their face.

A Gift to the Dead

She never asks for much

She takes what she feels she deserves

But a few flowers from someone who cares

Could make her feel like a princess

Like the ones she used to read about 

With such jealousy and desire

So she cries because she thinks she knows

That the only time she will be worthy

Of such an implausible fate

is when she is in the ground

And when it is too late

I think about you all the time
You are never not on my mind
Even though I haven't told you
And I always wonder if you feel it
But, I sent my heart to you
Now no one else can steal it

Secrets

You want to say something to someone but if you say it, it means that you want it to be said. But if you don't say it, you don't want it to be said and that makes you a coward and if you do say it, you're a risk taker but also, an attention seeker. But if you try to get it subliminally said, you know the truth and the truth won't lie no matter how much you force it to.

Peace

Love becomes a noise

that fails to satisfy the feeling

felt inside.

When is love real?

Do you always love someone the same

 or does it grow on with time?

And if it does, how could love have the same meaning

 for both times?

You claim to not be able to love someone 

any more than that moment,

but then what if you do? 

How reliable is love.

How could this new, stronger love be equivalent?

The use of the word is unfulfilled.

Love becomes louder when said as if to emphasize

 feeling.

How high can you scream?

Just one word holds the power of your universe. 

Loving someone is not a present to them, 

but a relief to you. 

You spend your life 

trying to express your love in

 some sort of collaboration of 

words and ways.

Yet, it forfeits to satisfy.

Love is inexpressible.

Sadness fills you, knowing the person 

you love, will never be filled with overwhelming sense

of your love. 

You tell yourself it is love, because what else would it be?

So you plan the dream wedding, 

convinced that the finalization 

will make it feel real.

Deny the doubts, everyone feels this way.

No, they don't.

Poor girl, they don't.

You love so hard.
You have passion swimming in your eyes
Honesty screaming through your lungs,
regardless if you speak.
You glow when you tell stories
of how this affection came to be.
After listening to each word
and taking note of every piece of art
you draw with your heart.
I am sorry it took so long
for me to finally see
that of all the passions that make
your heart burn,
your favorite is me.

You gave me wings but
you are still on the ground.
So I cut off a wing
& sew it on to you.
When I fly,
you're coming too.

The Lucky One

When you fall in 

love with a soul,

nothing has ever looked more beautiful.

every inch, every ounce

all a perfect creation mastered 

by God

to be loved & cherished

by you

You have shown me my voice,
the power it beholds.
All those people who have hurt me
with their souls and hearts so cold,
I should want to scream to them
and curse them all away.
But instead I turn to you,
I love you is all I say.

Final

Sometimes, loving someone is enough. 

Most times, just remembering someone loves you, is enough. 

And every time, having someone make you believe you are enough, is more.

Knowing

Just as the moon always shines when the sun is away, my love for you will not fade away.

Sea

I swim the depths of the water,
where critters haunt me in the darkness.
I hold my breathe till the last second life allows me,
searching for the pearl
that I will never find.
So I pick up the loveliest shells I see,
hoping they will satisfy your heart.
You kiss me a thousand times
and thank me for the tokens,
But beg me to end my quest
because I risk losing your pearl every time
I enter the water.

Insomnia

Love is enough for me. It is the worries and doubts and hopes that keep my fingers crossed permanently. It is the daydreams that I lose sleep over replaying in my mind. It is the promises that will be kept in time. It is the feeling in my heart telling me this is right. It is the fight I will always fight. It is more than enough for me, but what can I do, if it's not enough for you.

I love you yesterday, and I love you today.
I love you tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow.
I did not love you last year, but I did not know love then.
I know love now, I will never let it go, I will never not know.

This I Know

I am sure that
despite what I
do in my life,
If I can
have you by my side,
I will be ok.

I wake up in the morning, and the pain isn't gone, just veiled, with sleepless eyes and a cloudy mind. And I can't cry anymore, my body is drained and my heart locks me out from remembering all the plans we made. So I lay, and I lay until I remember to get up and carry on. No matter how heavy the pain is, I carry on to you.

I've heard it all

Everything happens for a reason

When one door closes, another opens

It will all be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end

But tell me

Why do people die sad

Healing

He kisses my scars, he doesn't kiss them away

He kisses my scars & promises the pain won't stay

The Light

I promise, dear, it will all be okay.
You are trapped, but one day you will be free.
The wind will carry you far away and the unknown land will protect your rattled heart.
Oh do not give up now dear.
You are so close.
The clouds are only an arm's stretch away.
Put it down, dear, you have such much to do
so many words to say
so many people have not loved you yet.
Didn't anyone tell you it was worth the fight?
Fight my dear, fight and give every ounce of you.
You will not be drained, I vow to that.
Oh my dear, I vow to you, it will all be alright.
You are alone now, but you will see the light.

Her

He sees the sun in her eyes, his heart burns with every glance.
He can look at them for hours, he ignites with every chance
Her body moves like an ocean, crashing with each curve.
A single touch, a graze, is felt throughout each nerve.

Screaming

And they don't always say it out loud, but their face expressions scream it, that you are different. Because you like to sit in darkness, you like to listen to soft, slow music, and because you only speak when spoken to. They hold it against you since they can never stay silent themselves, they can never feel through a conversation and let someone else release their emotions, they might hear but they never feel. But because you don't sit and wait for your turn to talk and go into a detail about a story that everyone else already muted out while trying to gather their own thoughts for their turn, you are weird. But don't listen to them, you are better without their judgements. One day your silence will strike them and they'll begin to wonder and ask about you, and if that day never comes, they don't deserve to know.

The Darkness in the Depth

You never understand why you would need to let someone you love go, until you really have loved someone. You might not ever understand it, but you know you need to regardless. You love them so much that you want them to experience everything the universe has to offer and it keeps you up at night thinking you might be holding them back, so you let them go. You surrender them to be free and to feel and give love in ways that you couldn't show to them. And maybe they will come back, but you live your life with your fingers uncrossed.

No More

And maybe before you would have curled up and held your knees and listened to the stones hit the floor after you first felt them hit you. But that was before. This time, you stand up and you catch a stone in your hand, you hold it tight. You look straight in their eyes, drop it to the ground, and walk away.

Always

No matter how many people I meet, or how many words I share with them, they will never be you. No one will ever be you. I will never feel how I feel with you, with anyone else. Everyone else is fine, nice. But you, you are better. You are better by just being you, and not them. No one comes close to you, and that is terrifying and relieving all at once.

Loaded Gun

Every person fights a war of choosing to be happy or succumbing to the sad truths about life. I know my battle is no different than anyone else's, I just wish I had some recruits on my side.

Please Don't Hurt Me

I wanted to want them,

I do not want to want you,

I wanted to love them,

I do not want to love you.

But in the end, it was always you,

it was never them.

Not My Boy

I take what this universe gives to me, I take it all. I justify it with what I deserve and what will make me stronger. But it wasn't till you told me of your pain, till you told me of the agony and misery that suffocated your lungs and strangled your heart, that I finally picked a fight with life and said that is enough.

The Worst Pain

You claim to love him
                  to respect his thoughts
                  to cherish his being
yet you still think it is only you you hurt
as you look in the mirror and curse at the relflection
as you drag your weapon of choice against your skin
as you try to correct what God has already made perfect.

Mean

And they'll throw, launch, and strike
boulders at you,
As many as they like
You will feel pain
in every inch of you,
And fall will the rain
But don't throw back,
what will hurt them the most,
is the heart they lack.

My Mirror

I will never see my own face, only in a lying reflection or a misleading picture. But when I see myself through your eyes, I can't help but think that God made me with the loveliest of paintbrushes.

The Switch

As I lay on my black sheeted bed, with a comforter as fluffy as a marshmallow, and a sweatshirt so big I can get lost, I think of you. The room's lights are off but I have these little dangly flower lights that, combined with the glow the gray clouds send my way, create a dream atmosphere. The wind blows through the open window with a crisp breeze that smells just like serenity and tranquility. Every worry of yesterday is left for another day. As for right now, I feel your love in the shaking tree leaves and the air I inhale and I look out towards the landscape, thanking you for sending it my way.

The Dying Galaxy

When you remember that one day our world will not be here anymore, it is hard to imagine why we bother being the way we are, why we associate with anyone or anything that doesn't contribute to our happiness. Why we don't show kindness to everyone and everything, why we don't love who we want to and why we apologize for our feelings. One day no one will know of our previous existence, so why bother living for anyone else. All we can do is hope that who we were, somehow in someway, is unique enough to be remembered for generations after us and if not, then at least we had a good time while trying.

Our Day

I see pictures of other people, I see people in the corners of my eyes, loving one another. And it makes me smile. And it makes me mad, knowing that should be me and you, putting the rest of the world to shame.

You Still Always

Despite it all, you still make me happy. you still make breathing easier. you still have my heart, regardless if you want it. you are still the only person I see. you still make me weak, effortlessly.

The Moment

When it all crashes and collides and you collapse to the ground, when every touch,word,sound,thought,feeling, that once made you feel pain races into your body. When air is locked out from entering your lungs and your skin becomes stone. When your being is imprisoned with broken keys. When crying overpowers breathing. When the strength to get up is gone, no one is there.

But maybe giving more than can be received is the same pain as never receiving. 

The Nightmare Before Sleep.

By day, individuals we are. Different emotions circulate amongst the human body and mind. Our strength is tested through the long hours spent awake. We are filled with human interaction and conversation. Searching for a minute of peace and solitude, to desperately regret when the sun begins its rest. Laying in the darkness of the sky, loneliness is felt in the fingertips, shivered in the bones, flowing in the blood, ached in the heart, and crashing with the tears. Attention is yearned, affection is longed. All once rejected, to be left sick with unanswered questions.

Sitting in her seat, while Professor talks on about what she blocked out over an hour ago. 3478 miles away her mind is. But it's not alone. Back in class, a soulless body remains, no heart beat, only to be found in Southeastern England. Once was a thought turned to a dream, to become something uncontrollable; a necessity.
Until the physical body of her does arrive, she will feel not whole.
A desire so craved, it overpowers and controls.

What a Boy

To have such passionate feelings,
what a sad girl.
To be dependent on another soul,
what a foolish girl.
To crave a love so rare,
what a needy girl.
To dream a far away dream,
what a naive girl.
To have such a heart to offer,
what a blindly lucky boy.

Lights Off

I see most
      My eyes
       My body feels at ease
   the motion of the earth flows
the sun's rays glow, the moon's shine, the gray cloud's reflection
                                                                      impact real feelings
  answers crawl onto my body
    I feel calm
            as I breathe in the light from the heavens.

I Am Told

I am told that desires are unrealistic
with promises of never coming true
Yet, I swear by all that is real
I will find my way to you

Barbarians

They shoot knives from their mouths and aim for my heart. And even though I dodge and I duck and my heart is still untouched, the points have been cutting the surface of my skin and I don't know how much blood I can bleed till I'm drained. 

Your Map

I did not fall. I walked. I chose my steps cautiously and breathed in the sweet, fresh air. I looked up and I saw the sunrise in the distance. It was a blend of every color I loved, and together painted a picture no paintbrush could ever create. I stared in awe. I passed a placid lake on my way. I went to look for the reflection staring back. Tears dropped down into the water as the beautiful girl in the lake stared back at me. Scared, I ran till my legs gave out. I was lost. I dropped to my knees and screamed out for a direction, a sign. I opened my eyes and saw a cobblestone trail. I followed for days, weeks, maybe months. When the sun said goodbye, the moon guided me in darkness. And when I saw it, this magical waterfall glistening with every wave that shattered looking down at me, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be and I thanked God, for no other way would have taken me here.

Since You

And isn't it breathtaking

How the clouds sing

The rain dances

The fog blurs

But we still see 

The wind whispers 

Poignant promises to the sky

The stars fall with no intention of crashing

And tonight the moon will not say goodnight.

Regardless, My Glass is Still Not Full

Maybe you are meant to be sad, to be let down, to feel disappointment. So that you become aware of your control in someone else's sadness. 

Bedside

It's hard not to have expectations when you only ask for so little, and when you give so much. 

If I can't make myself happy, I will spend the rest of my days finding my sanctity in your heart. 

What a sad wonderful thing it is, to have someone be your everything, and never know for sure if you are theirs. 

19

The body ages but the mind is unaware. I'm just as lost and confused as a child. But I am told to have the mindset as the adult my birth date says I am. I am not where I expected myself to be and I am still trying to figure out if that's good or bad. All I know is that I don't know. 

Wide Awake

You're not here at night. When it gets dark and cold. You're not here. I bite my lip and hold my breathe. I want you and I need you and I'm scared and lost. And you're not here. I look at the sky but its black. When hope is missing and love is dried and drained. You're not here. When my heart and tears cry out your name. You're not here. When the sun shines and the warm wind blows, you're here. But when I need you the most, you're not here. 

Static Stasis

I almost did it. I shouldn't say almost because I still might. I don't want to. But I need to. I remember one year ago, I felt like this. I don't know how to stop this feeling. I don't know the cause. All I know is what my body craves. You're supposed to grow in a year, change. It shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't still feel like this. 

I looked at the moon tonight. And I know you have your life and I know we do different things and I know we might never have a chance to be together. But it's still so nice knowing we share the same beautiful moon. When it is done shining for you, it comes over to me and illuminates. 

What You Can't Change

She listens to the slow sad songs that soothe her thoughts.
She arranges her body to make sense of the way she feels.
She tries to make herself appear unapproachable to most people.
She pushes me away, for me to come running back for more.
No matter what she tries, I cannot get enough of her soul.

Broken Mirror

You say you want me but the reflection in your eyes show someone else.

I am in love with your being.
not your looks
not your words
not your movements
not your sounds
with all of it
together
working to make you
what you are
your existence makes me
weak

You say that you have never let me go, but really, I never left to give you the chance to.

take back everything you said, I don't want it anymore. take it all back. you are a manipulator. you found a way in and you made a home. except it wasn't a home, it was a vacation house and now you want to leave and I'm empty and quickly realizing that I don't want your words anymore. your words are trash to me now. you got what you wanted, a confidence booster, I am not some broken mirror you can put together. in the end the reflection will never be whole, yet you continue to try to fix me. you could never love me piece for piece. you could only love what you made of me. but I am not, will never be, something you can bend till it breaks, I am already broken and I cannot do not want to be fixed. I can only be made into something different, something beautiful. so either take me, or take it all back.

Where I am With You

It is like traveling to a destination and before you get there, as you approach it, you see it in the distance. You see the whole before the pieces and despite some parts being bad, the view is magical.

The Definition of Like

I don't like your favorite songs, but I listen to every word anyway
I don't agree with your views, but I listen to you defend them always
I don't find enjoyment in the places you find it, but I listen to you passionately describe them in every way
Anything that captures your attention, that creates a pleasing thought in your mind, is something worth capturing mine.

When It Rains, It Doesn't Always Pour

Maybe the sun is the enemy. Maybe the storm clouds form thick enough to protect and create a barrier from the sun. Maybe the sun is slowly drying our lives and the clouds give us moisture every opportunity they can. Maybe we rejoice at the sun when it comes as the clouds listen. Maybe the clouds   get upset some times because their hard work will never be known or appreciated. Maybe they cry out loud shrieks and outbursts of rage. Maybe despite it all, they still try to save us. 

The Creator

Where'd I go, I do not know

You do

You stole me

You altered me

I am what you made

I do what you say

So tell me

Why

You still don't want me

I wish I had the courage to burst these doors down and run out of this dreary bus. To linger in crowded streets, lost and alone, but more importantly, unknown. Hidden in a place of shattered dreams where I belong. I won't need to look back, for I left nothing behind. The desperate hopes of strangers will guide me to my haven.

Eternal Sunshine

I'm chasing the reflection of the sun on the water knowing I will never catch it. I chase it everyday.

Full Moon

and when it takes over, you feel it everywhere. you grab your skin tight and squeeze. you bite down on your lip hard trying to hold it in. but it always finds its way out. it rips through and suddenly you're crying. and you feel pain. in every part of your body. you look up. you look around. and no one is there. so the pain starts to hurt deeper. you put your head back and take a long breath. you remind yourself that nothing is wrong. it was just a passing moment of weakness. you say you are ok. you tell yourself you are ok. but you know. you always know.

I closed my door for the last time.

I locked it.

You slipped a note under.

It didn't say much. 

You never need to. 

Not much is always enough.

And,

you have the key anyway.

Map of My Life

Love is the path You are the destination My heart is the compass

Plans Written in English

I want to wear sweaters and drink tea. A cobblestone home that is small and warm. A bridge to get to town that crosses streaming water. Trees, lots of them. Little black squirrels and chirping birds. Quiet streets and people passing on their bicycles. A garden that goes around the house. Furry animals living beneath, always stealing vegetables. A frustrated husband who is so cute when he is angry. A chimney that thick smoke comes out of in the winter. A burning fireplace with a patterned rug placed alongside. Driveway made of rocks, stones, and pebbles. Nicely placed windows that the sun shines through in the morning. A clawfoot tub filled with the right amount of bubbles. A smell of amber and spice constantly captured throughout the home. Lamps in every room. A big bed with a wooden headboard and silk cream sheets. A fresh bouquet of flowers gathered in a vase in the middle of the table. Neighbors that come over for a glass of crisp wine when we can. Friends to go to the pub for a drink with when times are hard. Honest and true, they help in enjoying life and not taking it too seriously. A place where I'm a stranger to, but everyone is nice regardless. A place that is new, but never felt more right. A place where I wake up next to you. A place where we call home.

What Comes Next

You pass a cemetery when driving into New York City. With all the tombstones standing tall and closely together, and your car slightly elevated above them all, it looks like a city itself. The stones appear just like skyscrapers in the distance. But maybe it is more than a city. Maybe it is a whole different world.

Passing

I sat opposite of the  direction the train was moving in. I looked out the window and watched. Everything I was able to see was what the train already sped by. And it was all still beautiful. 

I know scars are permanent And that I cant change what I once chose But a touch by you I swear Could erase all pain I had once known

I fell in love with your potential
Now feeling your touch is essential

A Few of the Things

The light reflects off your body with every angle. The curves of your skin and the shine of your hairs show no imperfections. As I watch your lips slowly open up, I have never been more jealous of the air that fills the space. The creases of your smile are painted in my heart but the painting will never suffice. And when I see my reflection in your eyes, it is when I feel truly beautiful.

You're Better

In my mind, the right words feel so reachable. I come so close to grabbing them and spreading them on paper. I'd give you the paper and ask if you'd have me. You would answer with always. But the strangest thing happened. I didn't need to find the right words, or any words. You took me solely because of me.

Say Anything

I wish I didn't feel it and I wish I didn't show it. That you have complete control of my heart. But most of all, I wish you didn't know it. 

The Jokes on Us

Why do we joke around with the truth? Why do we hear the words but not listen?

The Silent Roar

He protects her like a lion because he knows how much she's been lied to

Her feelings burn so deep that her flesh is on fire 

But the flames are getting hard to control and the lion keeps throwing sticks in. 

The rain fell today. But it was okay. Because for the first time, I knew it wasn't going to stay. 

An unmade promise can speak louder than a broken one. 

And maybe I forget you so easily because my heart has had enough. 

The Book You Won't Open

Your love is as far as your eyes let you see. While I see as far as my love will go. 

The Melody of What Will Never Be

The sad lyrics are fine. They are truthful and real. I accept them. I understand them. 

But it's the love songs that hurt the most. They give me hope that there is someone who will love me, but they promise nothing . 

If I see the world for more than it is
If I see you for more than you are
Then life is nothing but one big beautiful life
And that's fine
But even if you're not as good as I think
You are still nothing short of exactly what I am looking for

Caution

You help me with my fears but fail to realize that by caring, you're in danger of making my worst fear a reality.

I Don't Want to Be Like You

I'm not sure I can handle living. At least not in a place where I'm viewed crazy for sacrificing my happiness for the happiness of someone I care about, despite how they treat me. But maybe it's because I want someone to make that sacrifice for me, that I'm so willing to do it for them. Maybe I am crazy.

It is a beautiful thing, a stranger. You know nothing about them except that just like you, they have felt pain, happiness, and misery. And everyday they are fighting to decide if any of this is even worth it, if their life has any value. But strangers help us remember, we are not alone.

If you're looking for someone, I'm right here.

I can see it in your eyes

You tell me about your dreams

but I'm more interested in the thoughts you can control

You'd fit in my shoes if you tried.

You tell me it's for the best.

But you're asking me to change all the things I wanted you to love about me. 

The relief in the pain

You're a bug bite on soft skin. And I can't stop scratching because it feels so damn good. 

Not with you, at least.

I am still deciding if I want to love you or be loved. I can't have both. 

Misconception

I await the pain in goodbye. It will prove you were real. 

New York City

It's as simple as wanting someone to enjoy the view with.

No matter where you're looking from or what you're looking at.

The Song in the Way You Say it Wrong

I could think of a thousand different people I'd like to be more than me. I could list a thousand different names I'd like to be called than my own. But the moment I hear my name coming from your lips, a thousand different versions of me will never do. For this me will always have known you.

The Inevitable End of a Beehive

You say the words to her but they still sting me. Didn't anyone ever tell you that is how a bee dies?

Was What's Gone, Every Truly Yours?

The best place to make your own little pool at the beach was the ocean shore. The wet sand had a consistency that made it easy to dig. And the water is so close and convenient. But eventually, every time, a wave will travel too far and flood your little pool. The ocean will fill the hole and by the time the wave pulls back, the sand will be flat again. It would be as if what you did was never there.

My Favorite Thought

And I may never have the chance to know you, but I think you should know, you're the best person I've never met.

The Memory of You

Sometimes when you are going fast enough in the car, staring at the trees, you miss every single one of them. You'll never see each individual leaf, or any other specific detail. It is just one rapid blur. And when you go back to think about it again at some later time, nothing is there.

Temporary Happiness

When I wake up, the sun reflects on my skin like a quiet glistening lake, untouched. When I open my eyes, they are still blind to the day. When my mind leaves my dream, it takes a little while before it fully comes back to reality. And in that little while, I am pure, I am new, I am not in pain, I have no regrets, I am clean and I am blissful.

Nothing to you, Everything to me

You sat next to me and you asked my name. The music was too loud but the way you said it was the best song of the night. You said all these nice things and you asked to have me. I told you to wait, I'll be back. I paced at the bar and ordered a shot of whiskey and a healed heart. I held it carefully in my hands as I walked back to you. I searched for your warm face. And I found it, an inch from hers. She was shoving her heart in your mouth while you cradled her. I swallowed hard and I ran out. Except I didn't run out, I stood there and watched. I watched until your shoulder hit into me on your way out and the heart smashed with the floor. There were too many pieces to pick up so I left it, and left. I never came back. Nothing did.

Still Here

And I delete your memories like an old junk email. I erase your images with just a click of a button. But some I keep and I still don't know why. 

What you will never know

I don't want you. You will let me down. You will be no different. But right now, in my eyes, you are better. So I won't give you the chance to change my mind. I'll push you away before you can and I'll take the responsibility of the pain. 

I have too much and not enough.
Too many roads to travel.
Not enough ways to get there.
Too many things to say.
Not enough listeners.

Too much love to give.
Not enough people to accept it.

I was still writing our story. we had plans. we had big plans. this summer was ours. we had places to go. food to eat. hands to be held. kisses to give. love to share. we had the world to see. and we were going to do it together.
but you took my pen away.

Why Don't You Love Me

I bent and broke. I emptied and then poured. I tore and I ripped. I scratched and I sanded. I pulled and I tugged. I sewed it all back and I molded. I perfected. So tell me how, how I am still not enough?

You promised you'd fight for me. I was afraid you wouldn't. You said you would never let me go. I was afraid you would.
But you didn't, and you did.

That hurt. And it still hurts. But what hurts the most, is knowing there is nothing about me worth fighting for, holding on to.

I could have called you tonight. I could have told you all the things I wasn't sure I meant. I would have said them anyway. I miss your love. We convinced ourselves we were enough. I might not have been happy, but I thought I was. I miss those thoughts.

The Change in the Altitude

you said you loved me when you were at your lowest. you told me nice things and made me feel ok. but tell me, will you still love me at your highest?

Your smile is my medicine and all I want is to overdose.

You will never understand my heart. You will never know why I feel the way I do. You will never see what's inside my mind.  But maybe that's ok. Maybe if you did, you would finally know me. And knowing me would be the worst thing. 

Take It From Experience

You don't need the cigarette to touch your skin to feel the burn. 

I give you everything and watch as you pretend to give me the same. 

Pain is inviting me in. 

No.

I invited myself.

He makes my stay so comfortable. 

I can't leave. 

I won't leave. 

I wish you couldn't see my body; that what happened to my skin in private would be invisible to the public. At least invisible to you. I know every time I hurt myself, it's not only me bleeding. And that's the worst pain of it all. 

I sit in bed and I think of you. I walk the street and pass the trees and I think of you. I pass the time and I write these lines and I think of you. I close my eyes and say goodnight and I don't think of you. 

You are here and I am with you. 

If I close my eyes tight enough and forget about the world long enough. You're here.

I am trying to love myself, but you are just so much easier to love.

Either way, in any way, this will not end right. I could blame it on the timing, but we know the truth. I don't know you and I'm not sure I want to. I know how fast a candle burns and I'm scared to light the match.

hot coffee.

your smell makes me drowsy. i wonder if you think of me. what do you think of when you look up at the sun and you become blinded? when you see something that makes you smile, do you think of my smile? do you know the creases of my smile?  you have a smile that can fix a heart. it's dangerous. it's perfect. the horizon never seemed so close and touchable.

The rich will always want and the poor will always give.

She said she wasn't broken, but I saw her broken skin. I saw the tare in the flesh. I saw the depth, and I saw its length. I asked her why she started where she did. But I should have asked her what made her stop.

He's Here Now

I loved you like the sun, but you always left and the moon shined every night.

Don't Wake Me Up

You called me up again. You told me to wake up. I told you I was. You told me I was in a nightmare. I told you I know.
I woke up. My phone showed I missed a call from you.

I will always be the girl someone else is going to love, just not you.

Tomorrow Will Never Come

What does happiness feel like. Not a rhetoric question. How does someone know what the best day feels like. Everything feels neutral. No better no worse then the previous.
Do I smile for you or do I smile for me. Is there a difference. Does it matter.

Leave Me Alone.

You cannot fix something that was made to be broken.

Hell

Close the shades and turn the red lights on.
Close the shades and turn the sun off.
The red light illuminates the room as a fire would.
Close the shades tight, I am home now.

The Inevitable

And just like that, you lose another one. It's quite simple. Just be yourself and the rest will fall into place. Don't worry, I promise you will end up alone.

It Doesn't Get Better

Whoever said the first cut was the deepest must have stopped after the first.

Countdown

if you truly cared about me, you'd let me go. you would stop talking to me and giving me false hope. you would save yourself before you hurt me. I know you care about me, I know it would hurt you to hurt me. And hurting you would hurt me the most, more than I can handle. So, save us both. Don't let me let you hurt me.

Looseleaf Heartbreak

I don't like writing your name in my notebook.
It tells me your on my mind.
It makes you real.
It reminds me that my unconscious is becoming conscious.
I can't have that.
I can't have your name written in my heart.
I can't I can't.

Gone

The worst part about being sad is being ok at the same time. you can't talk to anyone because they will never understand. "there's worse." sure. sure there is. but what about now? what do I do now? the days go quick, but the nights, the nights drag and drag. I count down the minutes till I can sleep and be unconscious. I keep crying, but no tears fall. I can't help myself. I'm not worth it.

Empty

can someone just tell me I'm good for something. good at anything? just tell me I'm enough.

I have so many things I want to do in my life but no one to do them with.

You're the sunburn to a girl who's in love with the sun.

You put on armor and sharpen your sword to protect me from the monsters outside, but who will protect me from you?

I listened to your voicemails. You were angry I didn't pick up. You called me baby anyway.
I listened to your voicemails. You said you loved me. You sang me a song to smile to and I did.
I listened to your voicemails. I heard you say my name. I closed my eyes and you were there, nothing was wrong, and we were ok.
I listened to your voicemails. I'll never get another one. Your voicemails are my only proof of our existence now.
I should have never listened to your voicemails.

And when it sets in, when it sweeps over you, when it overcomes you. That you have no one and no one has you. Once you remember that, every other worry or thought becomes irrelevant and you remind yourself to breathe.

Living Paradox.

I keep hoping that these days go by quick, yet I have nothing to look forward to.

Little Things.

Pick a flower from the ground for me and tell me something sweet. Draw me a silly doodle while you sit bored in class. Rub my belly without me having to ask for it. Know when I'm sad by just my face. Ask what's on my mind every now and then. Ask me questions about my life because you want to get to know me. Be interested in my interests so you can listen to me talk about something I love. Tell me you think I'm pretty when I'm on my 3rd bag of chips. Dance with me even if I get a little embarrassed. Know me enough to know I'll be my happiest in that moment. Believe in my dreams and dream with me. Encourage my talent. Give me hope that I will make something out of my life. Kiss me on the cheek when I'm not paying attention. Sing to me even if you can't. Make up a story when I ask you to tell me one. Start it with "Once upon a time.." and end it with "And we lived happily ever after." Tell me about your past but leave out the parts that you know might worry me. Hold me when I cry. But please, just please, when I leave, don't let me go.

The Heart Wants.

Distance is Distance, no matter where. What you want will always feel like years away; a mile, 4 seasons, 3 birthdays. If you're not here, then you will always be too far.

I'm counting on the maybe baby.

Don't think, 

lets just pretend it is love.

I'll close my eyes

if we kiss or hug.

We both just need someone 

to get us through the night.

We don't have to talk,

we won't worry or fight. 

Or we can talk

till morning light.

Lie to me

and tell me you think I'm alright. 

Tell me the things you'd love about me 

if you loved me.

Tell me all the ways of perfect 

we could be. 

Remember to hold tight enough to make me

numb.

 I promise to get you out of where you came from. 

And maybe, maybe somewhere along the way

We'll fall in love.

In a constant battle of wanting to be alone and a fear of being lonely.

Drained Dry

Take me, Take all of me. All I got left, it's yours. Did you hear that? I have nothing left but I will still give you everything I got. Why doesn't that affect you? Please, please don't let me go this way.

Just because your eyes are open, doesn't mean you see.

Hide and Don't Seek

You Count, I'll Hide.
Just 30 seconds.
Please don't go over.
I found the best hiding spot,
don't give up
Look in the room with the lights Off,
I'm under the bed.
Where are you?
The games over now.
Just find me.
I don't want to play anymore
I'm scared.

Why is the only thing making me feel so alive, killing me slowly?

Beauty in Misery

you won't believe it if I told you but you're the most beautiful when no one is looking.
when you're sitting in your chair at midnight while a cold moon rests outside.
with headphones on, only noise to be heard is the sound of your breathing.
your eyes paint pictures with the lyrics as they pass in your mind.
you're sad and you're afraid and you never felt more alone.
but you have never been more real, more honest with yourself.
and you want to scream for anyone to come and promise you more.
but instead you sit quiet and mumble the words of the songs you have become too familiar with.

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

—	Oscar Wilde

My Favorite Mistake

do you care

don't you dare

say you do

say you did

keep using 

keep abusing

i swear i'll 

take it

don't try to

change me 

don't try to

save me

let your breath go

You're trying to help, but I swear you love seeing me suffer.

If you draw something in permanent ink and
you try to cover it up
you try to draw over it

You might end up making it more clear.

The Invisible Stem

The flower may be the prettiest part, the obvious attraction, but it is also the weakest.

life goes on, that is the problem.

I want to throw up, I want to get the flu, I want to get a paper cut, I want to accidentally fall down, I want to hit my funny bone and it not be funny, I want to hold my breath under water until I almost can't, I want to dream a nightmare that won't end, I want to get a static shock all over my body.

I want anything, but this.

The Fear of Never Being Loved

Deep. Terrifying. Keeps me up at night. It eats at my soul. It convinces me that you are enough. It convinces me that I am not enough.

In complete darkness, it is hard to tell if your eyes are open or closed.

Sometimes the one you want is not the one you need

The Worse Pain After the Original Pain

Blood stained skin. Hide it with a napkin. Stop the stream. But the napkin will dry up. And eventually you will have to peel it off.

Drips

Will I ever be good enough for you
                                             for me
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why do I do this to you
                            to me
tell me this is not real
tell me this is a dream
tell me I'll wake up and be someone
                                          anyone but me

I am the worst there is.
You deserve better.

Close my eyes for me.
Don't let me.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself
I am done living for anybody else

I know you probably don't care where my heart is, but just to let you know, it's probably where yours is. 

You'll Never Know

This is the noise I sing

       When you're sleeping

These are the words I say

             When you can't hear me

This is the way I look

                   When you can't see me

You're Fire.

Misguided mind. Unfamiliar ways. Strange words. Deep holes. Frozen heart.

Burning emotion.

Cold Coffee in the Morning is Better than No Coffee at all. Just Because it is not Hot, does not mean it doesn't Have the same Basic taste.

I knock.

It takes two minutes but before I know it, Sadness is at the door.

"How have you been?! It is so good to see you again. Come in, come in."

I walk in slowly. I've been here plenty of times. Like a second home.

But, now. Now is different. 

The familiarity frightens me.

I sit down, the usual chair. 

Sadness goes on and tells me about his life since we've last spoken.

The usual.

He's telling me about all the new friends he made. He asks if I've spoken to 

Happy recently. I tell him no, not in a while.

"Good, she's a bitch."

He asks about me. 

"Same old."

He says he is sorry for what happened and if there is anything he can do to help.

I just sit.

The Path Less Traveled On Does Not Mean It Is The Right One.

I forgot what it felt like to cry.

I forgot what I feel like when I do.

I don't want to go back.

I'm going back.

I will never be enough.

for you.

for me.

Now what.

I dreamt a touch. It wasn't you. It wasn't much. It was enough.

It's Been Raining

What do I do?

What do I say?

I have given myself

a price to pay.

forced feelings.

I know I do.

I don't know anything

with you.

I built this love 

month after month.
Protected by a paper house.

Enough

The money goes in

I pull the lever

I watch it spin

I lose a dollar

I have much left

I hold them tight

This isn't right

I want more..

I'm not sure

you did this to me.

she nags. he complains. she knows exactly what to say. to make him not himself. not my dad.

he screams at her, she screams at him. they yell, in unison. he lifts his hand. i close my eyes. i open. she's crying. now i'm crying.

he screams at her, she screams at him. they yell, in unison. he lifts his fist. i close my door. i close my ears. hole in the wall.

he screams at her, she screams at him. they yell, in unison. he lifts his voice. louder. i lock my door. put my headphones in. in the corner.

he screams at her, she screams at him. they yell, in unison. he lifts my love and throws it out. tells her he never loved her. tells her he regrets being with her. i listen. 

i leave.


he screams at her, she screams at him. they yell, in unison. he lifts his hand. i close my eyes. i open. i am in bed. alone. now i'm crying.

1000 miles away.

you still don't see.

what you did to me.

Hello. Again.

you always find your way to me.

you always come back when I push you away.

you sneak in, unexpected.

unwanted.

But I always welcome you.

dear friend. 

how have you been?

stay as long as you'd like.

I miss you when you leave.

Bad company is better than 

none. 

hourglass

the words you say
don't feel the same
the looks i give
are not the same looks
what if my eyes
were always shut
what if they're finally open
wait.
what if they're just closed
temporarily
he says
she says
heart knows.

How do you ask for help when the blood screams no? 

I can't find a way out, I barely have time to look. 

 A paper cut accident, I never felt more alive. 

You said I'd be okay, you said I'd be alright. 

I understand, I was hoping for the same.

I can't be more than I am.
              I am more than I think.
                              I can't be more than I think I can.
                    ok.