I hate what you've done to me

I hate that you were so stupid
I hate that you were so cruel
I hate that you allowed someone else to be involved in the hardest thing I've ever had to forgive
I hate that you put us in a position where we have to worry if our secrets will ever be revealed
I hate that you made my worst fears come true
I hate that you manipulated my kindness so you could do what you want
I hate that I'm always hurting
I hate that I'm constantly worrying
I hate that I can't trust anyone now
I hate that I'm so sad so much
Yet, I can't hate you

The Differences Between You & I

Why am I googling how to trust someone again
Why aren't you googling how to be trusted again

Control

I cannot control you

I cannot stop you from doing things that will hurt me

I cannot change you

But I control me

I have the power stop the pain

I won't be able to always know your intentions

But I can decide when to leave and to me,

having that power is empowering. 

Fingers Crossed

Some days I feel hopeless
My heart feels tired and
I can no longer carry this weight
But I stay hopeful
I tell myself we learned from the past
Over and over
I read the promises you made me
And I believe you
I am choosing to believe the
Pain you cause me is over
I have to

Empty Notepad

You make promises, you make so many promises.
I should have known you couldn't keep them,
when you don't even care enough to write a single one down

All I Can Do

All I can do
Is trust you.
Even if I have no clue
What you do.

All I can do
Is let go
& forgive you.
Even if its changed
How I view you.

All I can do
Is love you
The rest is up to you.

Be Better

I have forgiven you for who you were
but understand that I will not forgive you
for who you are anymore.
So please be careful of who you become.
The past is in the past,
I only hope you have learned from it.
Our future is in your hands
And my heart can only break so much.

Waves

The water is calm
Then it's not
The waves crash
I thread hard
Is this my life now?
Swimming in between waves
Hoping I don't drown?

Put yourself in my shoes, she says
Put yourself in my shoes, he says
Think about how hard this is for me, they say
But they both have no idea how it feels
to be betrayed
How it feels to be broken
How it feels to only be ok during those few moments
after I wake when I remember nothing
Why does it feel like I am the one suffering
when they made the mistakes

Time

With every day that passes
With each impatient remark and
anger filled comment
With every doubt that fills my mind
With every mile between us
I wonder how can we possible make this work
when I need the one thing you won't give me

No one is as hot as the Sun

You let someone think
they mattered to you
You let someone think
you wanted them
more than me
You let someone think they
were worth risking us for
You let someone think
they were better than me
You let dirt
think it was better than the sun
When they aren't even in the same
category
You gave them my time
You gave them my attention
You showed them things only I should see
And they showed you things that made me
hate you
You made me feel like nothing
when I am the sun
I am the sun
I am the sun

Never

You will never know what this feels like
You will never know how hard you broke me
You will never know the pain every time I know you see her
You will never know the damage you did
Because I would never do anything like this to you
Because you don't hurt the people you love

Here's to Your Comeback

Loving you has shown me unconditional love
I feel it when I'm crying my eyes dry
When I am biting my tongue
When you frustrate me to silence
When you have broken me to the core
Despite it all, my love for you knows
you can be better.
It knows the love you are capable of giving.
It knows that you are human and you will fail,
But more importantly, my love knows you will
prevail.

you can hurt me baby

you can hurt me baby
God knows you have
and you can break me baby
I know you can
but you should know
no matter what you do
no matter if I stay
or if I go
you will always have my heart,
whole or in pieces
your being is burned in my soul
and your love is the reason

Meant Nothing

Forgive me if it takes me a while to believe that she meant nothing 

Because right now it’s taking some time to believe that I mean something 

Unreasonable

Unreasonable
I’m unreasonable
You are trying so hard
And I’m being unreasonable
I’m unreasonable and
You feel like what you’re doing is more than enough
But do you know what’s unreasonable?
The strength I have to have every minute of the day
to not breakdown
That the pictures and the words I saw are scorched in my mind
That you could even entertain the idea of exposing yourself to another woman
That I wasn’t enough for you
Imagine living with that
Imagine going to sleep alone with that every night
But no. I’m unreasonable
Sorry. I'll try to make all this more reasonable
for you.

Herherherher

All these words

All these thoughts
All these worries

That you told me 

Were wrong 

Were crazy 

Were driving you mad

All these posts I wrote about her

All the guilt you made me feel

All the hell I put myself through

For being so cruel

To innocent you

Who just wanted an 

Innocent friend. 

How do you make it look so easy to hurt someone 

Who would and has done anything for you?

You made it look effortless, watching me struggle and fall apart as you

Grew closer to someone you shouldn’t have been growing with at all 

where do we go from here

You made me question us
A question I never thought needed to be asked
And now I have to wonder
And worry about if what you did
Is bigger than what
We are

But now I’m not sure of what we are
I thought I knew
But clearly you were under
Some other impression
Some other notion
Where hurting the one you love
Is what we are

Your Rules

Don’t be annoyed when I say things you don’t like

And also like the things I say 

Don’t be uncomfortable with people who do inappropriate things

Be fine with things I wouldn’t be fine if it was you

Don’t be mad at me when I lie 

Remember every time I lie it’s because you made me

Be cool with me doing what I want when I want without telling you 
And don’t ask any questions

Remember I don’t have to tell you anything
Make sure not to make things about you when I upset you 

Don’t forget to do the things I say 

But remember I’m busier than you when you ask anything of me 

Don’t cry when I upset you

In fact, stop getting upset completely 

Trust me blindly despite me breaking your trust in the past 

Don’t feel too much 

Don’t feel at all if possible 

The Bad Guy

It’s me

I’m always the problem 

I’m the villain 

I’m the one in the wrong

While she remains blameless

While she is the innocent victim 

Who can do no wrong

Who has been attacked 

By horrible me

Oh I just have so much hate 

Right? That’s what you think 

It’s so like me to hate isn’t it 

You never think to look at her 

It’s always me who has to change

Me who has to be yelled at

But her?

No god no she doesn’t have to change a single thing  

She’s done nothing wrong 

Cracking Heart

A simple I miss you.

To remind me I’m in your heart and on your mind

That’s what I need

But that makes me

Needy 

What breaks my heart 

Is that I don’t desire 

Gifts or extravagent displays of love

Just an 

I miss you 

Or 

I love you 

Without me saying it first 

Just that

And I can’t even get that

I can’t even get that  

Somedays Are Harder Than Others

I used to share everything and anything with you
by just turning my head
you were there.
Now I have to choose what is worth sharing with you
in the limited time
I have your attention.

Lies Lies Lies

I have reached the point where

I don't panic to decide what I know

to be true or not anymore.

I know you.

You lie.

And I have lied

to myself

coming up with excuses

for you. 

Now the lies numb me.

Your lies and I, we are acquaintances. 

What haunts me is that you love me,

that is not a lie.

But how can you lie to the ones you

love?

The Choice is Made

I thought after all this time, after all these tears
You'd put an end to my suffering, an end to my fears
                                                                                             

But it seems her place in your life has become
more important than the heart of someone you love

Last Save

I didn't save

So every time I fall

I'm starting from the 

Beginning.

Every.

Time.

Not Enough

I try and I try and I try and I try
but why?
Why do I try so hard when you chose to focus on
the one time I fail.
You don't want me to fake it
You want me to be honest,
unless that honesty is not something you like.
I have tried and tried to be what you want
while still being myself.
Maybe its time to
be someone else.

anxiety

My eyes are heavy
I just want to sleep
I don't exercise
but my mind stays running
I feel sick
to the point where food
is repulsive
I feel my world falling down on me
and all I want to do
is escape
Have I always been like this
This is no unfamiliar feeling
I am crippled by my mind
as you watch
holding
my crutches

Does What Goes Up Have to Come Down

Things feel different, better

But all those times I was telling myself

I was overthinking

Now means 

I wasn't

Things were different before

And now they are different again

In a good way

Two differents

What is normal?

Is there a normal? 

Differents scare me because

they can't last

I want this different to last

Can this be our new normal?

I fear I may ruin this different

By worrying too much about

the old different

But this high can't last,

we will eventually

crash

Unless we do things

different.

Love Love Love & Worry

Things are different
I cannot explain.
Things that hurt me
I no longer feel pain.
You have shown me love
respect & patience
When I didn't deserve it.
You treated my heart as fragile
& did everything to conserve it.
The worry and fear that haunted me
daily has disappeared.
The clouds that once filled my mind
all seemed to have cleared.
All of this warms my soul &
gives me hope.
But still I worry if this high doesn't last,
can I cope?

New Friends

You and her grow closer

And I am supposed to be supportive

Of this new friendship.

I should be happy that you have someone

That makes you happy

While I am away,

While we grow more distant.

I should be happy that you have someone

To do the things with

That we once did together.

I should be happy that you have someone

That thinks of you as more

Than just friends.

I should be happy that you have someone

To spend quality time with

In the same place

On the couch

I used to sit and love you on.

I should be happy that you have someone

That makes missing me easier,

Maybe too easy.

I should be happy that you have someone

That you find worth

Putting me through such pain

So that you both can be happy.

I should be happy.

I should.

No one hurts me like you do

When I have to ask you if you miss me

When I have to ask you to tell me you miss me

Every now & then

Just to hear it

Regardless if you mean it

That's when you think I'd open my eyes

But I rather leave them shut

Headache

My head hurts
Probably dehydration
Eyes are dried
Emotional desperation
We've come so far
What a celebration
Lately feels like less
Communication
Some days almost no
Conversation
You say everything I think
Is an exaggeration
I still remember when you said
You felt temptation
To stray from me
It broke our foundation
You should stop doing what gives me
Such frustration
Take my emotions & sanity
Into consideration
I would die for you
No hesitation
But will we work through this?
I can't cope with separation.

May 2019

It's easier for you

Maybe too easy

I break my own heart

But you're not innocent either

You tell me not to be sad

It's that easy

I am trying to be positive 

Still everyday hurts

You're allowed to be ok

I just didn't think you'd make it look

so easy.

Forgive Me

I apologise for the things I say when I am overreacting.

I apologise for the things you say when you are overreacting.

I apologise. I apologise. I apologise.

But still you are the one who has to put up with so much.

So I guess I'll apologise for that too.

It's Not Ok

You can't tell me things are going to be this way
You can't promise that they will be different
You can't convince me that it will all change
And then last minute
go back on everything, every promise you said
and expect me to adjust as quickly as you want

You can't expect me to be ok

Will You

Maybe I am weak
Maybe I can't do this
Maybe I am full of fear and worries and doubts
Maybe I am not always who I should be
Maybe I am weak

Will you still love me through it all?