Hell

Close the shades and turn the red lights on.
Close the shades and turn the sun off.
The red light illuminates the room as a fire would.
Close the shades tight, I am home now.

The Inevitable

And just like that, you lose another one. It's quite simple. Just be yourself and the rest will fall into place. Don't worry, I promise you will end up alone.

It Doesn't Get Better

Whoever said the first cut was the deepest must have stopped after the first.

Countdown

if you truly cared about me, you'd let me go. you would stop talking to me and giving me false hope. you would save yourself before you hurt me. I know you care about me, I know it would hurt you to hurt me. And hurting you would hurt me the most, more than I can handle. So, save us both. Don't let me let you hurt me.

Looseleaf Heartbreak

I don't like writing your name in my notebook.
It tells me your on my mind.
It makes you real.
It reminds me that my unconscious is becoming conscious.
I can't have that.
I can't have your name written in my heart.
I can't I can't.

Gone

The worst part about being sad is being ok at the same time. you can't talk to anyone because they will never understand. "there's worse." sure. sure there is. but what about now? what do I do now? the days go quick, but the nights, the nights drag and drag. I count down the minutes till I can sleep and be unconscious. I keep crying, but no tears fall. I can't help myself. I'm not worth it.

Empty

can someone just tell me I'm good for something. good at anything? just tell me I'm enough.

I have so many things I want to do in my life but no one to do them with.

You're the sunburn to a girl who's in love with the sun.

You put on armor and sharpen your sword to protect me from the monsters outside, but who will protect me from you?

I listened to your voicemails. You were angry I didn't pick up. You called me baby anyway.
I listened to your voicemails. You said you loved me. You sang me a song to smile to and I did.
I listened to your voicemails. I heard you say my name. I closed my eyes and you were there, nothing was wrong, and we were ok.
I listened to your voicemails. I'll never get another one. Your voicemails are my only proof of our existence now.
I should have never listened to your voicemails.

And when it sets in, when it sweeps over you, when it overcomes you. That you have no one and no one has you. Once you remember that, every other worry or thought becomes irrelevant and you remind yourself to breathe.

Living Paradox.

I keep hoping that these days go by quick, yet I have nothing to look forward to.

Little Things.

Pick a flower from the ground for me and tell me something sweet. Draw me a silly doodle while you sit bored in class. Rub my belly without me having to ask for it. Know when I'm sad by just my face. Ask what's on my mind every now and then. Ask me questions about my life because you want to get to know me. Be interested in my interests so you can listen to me talk about something I love. Tell me you think I'm pretty when I'm on my 3rd bag of chips. Dance with me even if I get a little embarrassed. Know me enough to know I'll be my happiest in that moment. Believe in my dreams and dream with me. Encourage my talent. Give me hope that I will make something out of my life. Kiss me on the cheek when I'm not paying attention. Sing to me even if you can't. Make up a story when I ask you to tell me one. Start it with "Once upon a time.." and end it with "And we lived happily ever after." Tell me about your past but leave out the parts that you know might worry me. Hold me when I cry. But please, just please, when I leave, don't let me go.

The Heart Wants.

Distance is Distance, no matter where. What you want will always feel like years away; a mile, 4 seasons, 3 birthdays. If you're not here, then you will always be too far.

I'm counting on the maybe baby.

Don't think, 

lets just pretend it is love.

I'll close my eyes

if we kiss or hug.

We both just need someone 

to get us through the night.

We don't have to talk,

we won't worry or fight. 

Or we can talk

till morning light.

Lie to me

and tell me you think I'm alright. 

Tell me the things you'd love about me 

if you loved me.

Tell me all the ways of perfect 

we could be. 

Remember to hold tight enough to make me

numb.

 I promise to get you out of where you came from. 

And maybe, maybe somewhere along the way

We'll fall in love.

In a constant battle of wanting to be alone and a fear of being lonely.

Drained Dry

Take me, Take all of me. All I got left, it's yours. Did you hear that? I have nothing left but I will still give you everything I got. Why doesn't that affect you? Please, please don't let me go this way.

Just because your eyes are open, doesn't mean you see.

Hide and Don't Seek

You Count, I'll Hide.
Just 30 seconds.
Please don't go over.
I found the best hiding spot,
don't give up
Look in the room with the lights Off,
I'm under the bed.
Where are you?
The games over now.
Just find me.
I don't want to play anymore
I'm scared.

Why is the only thing making me feel so alive, killing me slowly?

Beauty in Misery

you won't believe it if I told you but you're the most beautiful when no one is looking.
when you're sitting in your chair at midnight while a cold moon rests outside.
with headphones on, only noise to be heard is the sound of your breathing.
your eyes paint pictures with the lyrics as they pass in your mind.
you're sad and you're afraid and you never felt more alone.
but you have never been more real, more honest with yourself.
and you want to scream for anyone to come and promise you more.
but instead you sit quiet and mumble the words of the songs you have become too familiar with.

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

—	Oscar Wilde

My Favorite Mistake

do you care

don't you dare

say you do

say you did

keep using 

keep abusing

i swear i'll 

take it

don't try to

change me 

don't try to

save me

let your breath go

You're trying to help, but I swear you love seeing me suffer.

If you draw something in permanent ink and
you try to cover it up
you try to draw over it

You might end up making it more clear.

The Invisible Stem

The flower may be the prettiest part, the obvious attraction, but it is also the weakest.

life goes on, that is the problem.

I want to throw up, I want to get the flu, I want to get a paper cut, I want to accidentally fall down, I want to hit my funny bone and it not be funny, I want to hold my breath under water until I almost can't, I want to dream a nightmare that won't end, I want to get a static shock all over my body.

I want anything, but this.

The Fear of Never Being Loved

Deep. Terrifying. Keeps me up at night. It eats at my soul. It convinces me that you are enough. It convinces me that I am not enough.

In complete darkness, it is hard to tell if your eyes are open or closed.

Sometimes the one you want is not the one you need

The Worse Pain After the Original Pain

Blood stained skin. Hide it with a napkin. Stop the stream. But the napkin will dry up. And eventually you will have to peel it off.

Drips

Will I ever be good enough for you
                                             for me
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why do I do this to you
                            to me
tell me this is not real
tell me this is a dream
tell me I'll wake up and be someone
                                          anyone but me

I am the worst there is.
You deserve better.

Close my eyes for me.
Don't let me.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself
I am done living for anybody else

I know you probably don't care where my heart is, but just to let you know, it's probably where yours is. 

You'll Never Know

This is the noise I sing

       When you're sleeping

These are the words I say

             When you can't hear me

This is the way I look

                   When you can't see me

You're Fire.

Misguided mind. Unfamiliar ways. Strange words. Deep holes. Frozen heart.

Burning emotion.

Cold Coffee in the Morning is Better than No Coffee at all. Just Because it is not Hot, does not mean it doesn't Have the same Basic taste.

I knock.

It takes two minutes but before I know it, Sadness is at the door.

"How have you been?! It is so good to see you again. Come in, come in."

I walk in slowly. I've been here plenty of times. Like a second home.

But, now. Now is different. 

The familiarity frightens me.

I sit down, the usual chair. 

Sadness goes on and tells me about his life since we've last spoken.

The usual.

He's telling me about all the new friends he made. He asks if I've spoken to 

Happy recently. I tell him no, not in a while.

"Good, she's a bitch."

He asks about me. 

"Same old."

He says he is sorry for what happened and if there is anything he can do to help.

I just sit.

The Path Less Traveled On Does Not Mean It Is The Right One.

I forgot what it felt like to cry.

I forgot what I feel like when I do.

I don't want to go back.

I'm going back.

I will never be enough.

for you.

for me.

Now what.

I dreamt a touch. It wasn't you. It wasn't much. It was enough.

It's Been Raining

What do I do?

What do I say?

I have given myself

a price to pay.

forced feelings.

I know I do.

I don't know anything

with you.

I built this love 

month after month.
Protected by a paper house.

Enough

The money goes in

I pull the lever

I watch it spin

I lose a dollar

I have much left

I hold them tight

This isn't right

I want more..

I'm not sure